Miss Milo

Day 1, and good riddance to 2009

So many people I know have written blog posts or Facebook status updates this morning saying good riddance to 2009; it seems like it has been a pretty rotten year for a lot of people. I for one am very glad to see the back of it, and I'm feeling very positive and hopeful about what 2010 will bring. I couldn't be more ready to see in a new year (and a new decade). Here's to a clean slate and new beginnings!

I won't dwell on 2009 because I'm completely ready to start looking forward rather than back, but I will take a moment to commemorate my beautiful baby cat, Tabitha, who we said goodbye to on 26 December (just six short weeks after bringing her home). She spent nearly a week at an animal hospital being treated for the horrendous seizures she was having before we decided enough was enough. We didn't even get a diagnosis as the vets were unsure what caused it, but severe epilepsy or a brain tumour were both suspected. Needless to say, things weren't really very 'merry' in our house during the holiday season with our little girl so sick, and we had a pretty sad Christmas :( I've never had to say goodbye to three beloved pets in a matter of months before, and hopefully I'll never have to again - it has been so heartbreaking.

I feel as though the new year has come at a perfect time, though. After a couple of weeks of grieving and worrying I am ready to start moving forward again; I'm starting to pick up the pieces and move on. And what better way to start the year than by officially beginning my lapband journey!

Yes, that's right, today is my first day on the Optifast program (which my surgeon has asked me to do for three weeks pre surgery, to get rid of some of the fat around my liver and make the surgery safer and easier). I am booked in for the op on January 22. I don't think it has sunk in yet that this is the start of a pretty significant change in my life. This morning I had the sudden thought that if all goes to plan I will never binge again, which seems absolutely crazy to me since binging is how I've dealt with all my problems since I was old enough to remember.

Now that the time has finally arrived, I'm feeling pretty freaked out about the whole thing. I'm not doubting my decision (I haven't for one moment since I made it), and I'm not even feeling scared about the op itself. It's crazy, but I'm mostly worried about how I am going to survive for three weeks on such a low cal diet, and then after the op not being able to get much food down! (Yes, my brain is seriously screwed up - only I could be more scared of diet shakes than being put under and cut open, but I guess that's how I came to be obese in the first place.) My irrational fear of starving to death is rearing its ugly head, and I'm absolutely terrified that I'll suffer unbearable dizzy spells while on the shakes because of my insulin resistance. Thank goodness I'm not back at work until Monday - hopefully by then my stomach will have shrunk enough that I'll survive at work without fainting or losing my mind!

I'm feeling pretty chuffed having survived half a day on Opti. It helped being able to sleep in, and I had an Optifast bar at about 10am for breakfast (coudn't brave the shakes so early in the morning after a couple of glasses of bubbly last night!). By 11am (yes, just one hour later) I was absolutely starving, so I ate some chopped up fruit, and managed to hold out until nearly 1pm for lunch (half a coffee shake - it was pretty gross, I definitely prefer the bars - and half a bar). After that I sent a whingey text to poor Tully, who has been absolutely amazing in her support of me but will I'm sure get sick of my grumbling before too long! At about 3pm I was feeling dizzy and nauseous so had two raw carrots and a small handful of rice crackers (naughty, I know, but I didn't think they would do too much damage on day 1). I have been drinking lots of water (flavoured with Bickfords diet lemon cordial, which is actually quite nice!) and had a Berocca, as I've heard that can help stop the hair loss that is associated with very low cal diets such as Optifast. The only positive thing is I don't have to waste time wondering what to cook for dinner. Hmm, will I choose a delicious and satisfying strawberry shake, or perhaps a berry bar for my first dinner of 2010? LOL.

I can't imagine doing this for the next 21 days, but hopefully I will survive if I just take it one meal at a time. I already miss bread and pasta, and had to throw out nearly a whole pizza (leftover from New Year's Eve) and an unopened container of dip, and make Mr M hide the leftover peanut M&Ms (my absolute favourite) in his computer room! There is also a near-full tub of ice-cream in the fridge that I'm going to have to force Mr M to eat sooner rather than later - I feel strong enough to resist it at the moment, but I'm sure I'll have plenty of moments of weakness over the coming days.

I'm sure there's plenty of people who are also starting healthy eating plans today, so good luck to you all. May 2010 be your happiest and healthiest year yet! (And thank you all for sticking by me during my months of silence - I promise I'll be blogging more regularly from now on.)

Much love!

xxx

The good, the bad and the ugly

The good:

• After a very sad month mourning the loss of my beautiful kitties, we have adopted a new baby. Her name is Tabitha, and she's a 7-month-old rescue kitten who was surrendered to a vet after a month of fending for herself. She's now fattened up and ready for her new home. Isn't she the cutest?

Unfortunately we can't bring her home for a little while longer, because...

• We're moving house! The new place is within bike-riding distance of my work. It's a beautiful townhouse with a lovely, sunny courtyard (which I plan to fill with some nice potted plants, barbeque, outdoor setting and hopefully sun lounge!). To say I'm excited is an understatement - only one more week of having to sit in peak-hour traffic for two hours a day!

• I found out yesterday I'm being sent to the US for work early next year. OMG!

• First appointment with surgeon went well. He seems lovely yet very frank and honest about the downfalls and potential complications (and the fact that the band is only a 'tool' - if my head isn't in the right place, it won't work). I'm booked in for a follow-up appointment with him on Friday, and then we will hopefully book me in for the operation. Very much looking forward to getting it over and done with.

• Catching up with my lovely blog babes for Cat's hen's night tomorrow. Can't wait!

• Our oven broke a couple of weeks ago so the landlord replaced it... meaning we didn't have to clean the old one in preparation for the move. Bahahaha! Oven cleaning is the worst thing ever so it totally made my day :)

• Been trying to get to my fave local cafe, Apte, as often as possible before the move! Just need to go one last time for the ricotta hotcakes...

The bad:

• Still missing Blackie and Poddie like crazy. It has been so hard cleaning up the house for the move and having to pack away all their things :( The place feels so empty.

• Feeling sad after a heartbreaking friend situation this week. Wish I could be one of those people who could just forget about it and move on, but instead I'm stewing and analysing and feeling awfully hurt. :(

The ugly:

• My eating and exercise has been appalling over the last month. I'm sitting on about 134 kilos, and just feel absolutely horrible whenever I look in the mirror, or even try to move. My brain seems to have decided that if I'm going to be deprived of eating large amounts of food once the band is in, I'd better fit in as much as possible before then. Plus, I have been coping with the dramas and stresses of the past few months (kitties dying, preparing to move house, work busy, Mr M working lots so we hardly see each other) in my usual way: eating. I know it has to stop, but I just can't seem to draw a line in the sand and stick to my resolve to eat healthily for more than half a day. My resolve crumbles as soon as I spy a sugary biscuit at work or realise Mr M won't be home for dinner. Why do I do this to myself? I broke a chair at work yesterday. I was sitting on a bar stool at a work function and suddenly heard a 'CRACK!'. Luckily it was easily fixed, but I could have died of embarrassment :(

Rest in peace Blackie

We said goodbye to our bewdiful boy Blackie tonight.

He was such a tough little cookie but I could see in his eyes he was ready to go :(

I miss him terribly and can't imagine what I will do without him. I'll even miss his annoying yowling for food at ungodly hours of the morning.

He had a tough life before he came to us and I only hope his last four years were happy ones.

I love you with all my heart, little man.

101 in 1001

Since I made the decision to get banded I have started imagining all the possibilities of my new healthy life. It has been a long time since I have felt positive enough about a 'lifestyle change' to actually believe I might one day not struggle with the day-to-day issues of being overweight. But now that I'm feeling so hopeful again of being able to rid myself of my weight demons for good, I'm imagining all sorts of things: going to the Big Day Out music festival (I went once when I was 16 and have never been back - dancing in a group of people and sitting on the grass are two very painful propositions when you're as big as I am); getting my toes painted at one of those super-cheap shopping mall salons and not feeling embarrassed about my size; being brave enough to go camping, and imagining how alive I would feel waking up in the morning to the fresh air and spending the day hiking and enjoying nature. I just can't wait for my new life to begin!

Many bloggers have started their own 101 things in 1001 days list, and I always find them so inspiring to read. I hope you'll enjoy mine! Most of the activities are things I have been putting off doing due to my weight - either because they are physically impossible, or because I just wouldn't feel comfortable doing them at my current size. And a few others are in there just for fun :) Oh, and I've left some as 'to come' so I can keep adding to it over time. My finishing date is June 26 2012, which seems like ages away, but I'm sure time will go fast.

1. Go to a pilates class
2. Get a passport
3. Have a big cleanout before we move and give our unwanted belongings to charity
4. Go back to latin dance classes
5. Go to an outdoor music festival
6. Have a pedicure without feeling embarrassed about the beautician looking up at my double chins
7. Go to a photography exhibition in Melbourne
8. Have a picnic in the Botanical Gardens
9. Make a bag
10. Go on a girly road trip
11. Go to a concert
12. Go to an art gallery in Melbourne
13. Make lemonade from scratch
14. Purchase and wear a pair of knee-high boots
15. Consolidate my superannuation
16. Get a professional spray tan
17. Not freak out at my reflection in the mirror when the hairdresser whips off the cape post-haircut
18. Pay off car loan
19. Purchase and wear a Hawthorn footy jersey
20. Pay off credit card
21. Go to Derby Day wearing a gorgeous dress, killer heels and hat
22. Go horse riding
23. Go on a camping trip with Mr M
24. Research getting braces/other teeth-straightening options
25. Go skiing with Mr M
26. Revisit tarot reader in Daylesford
27. Compete in a triathlon
28. Go on a long bike ride with Mr M
29. Make my own pasta
30. Run around Albert Park Lake
31. Go to a Body Jam class
32. Track my spending for three consecutive months
33. Go on a ghost tour
34. Go to a cooking class
35. Run an entire 5km fun run
36. Pay off personal loan
37. Plan and enjoy an overseas holiday
38. Purchase and wear a matching set of beautiful lingerie in a size 14
39. Run the Tan
40. Plant a tree
41. Have lapband surgery
42. Go roller blading along St Kilda foreshore
43. Host a board game night
44. Visit the Eureka Skydeck
45. Create a budget
46. Create a wall of framed photos in our new house
47. Pay off loan to M
48. Go snorkelling with M
49. Purchase a digital SLR camera
50. Purchase and wear a stupidly high pair of heels
51. See Sydney’s Sculptures by the Sea exhibition
52. Host a dinner party
53. Sell our unwanted furniture on ebay before we move
54. Sew a quilt
55. Spend a night at a fancy hotel with M just because
56. Visit the Old Melbourne Gaol
57. Start up a high-interest savings account (for house purchase)
58. Swim laps at the pool
59. Make scones from scratch
60. Purchase and wear a bikini
61. Purchase and wear a suit
62. Visit the Peninsula Hot Springs
63. Visit the rooftop cinema in Melbourne
64. Walk around the house naked without being embarrassed about my body
65. Do a crafty short course
66. Fit comfortably into the chairs at the hairdresser
67. Fly our kite somewhere more public than our local park
68. Host a Grand Final party
69. Purchase a tent and camping gear
70. Purchase and wear a pair of shorts
71. Host a high tea with my girlfriends
72. Join local library when we move
73. Learn to crochet
74. Purchase and wear a pair of jeans from a normal-sizes shop
75. Purchase and wear a piece of clothing from Sportsgirl (a dream I’ve had since I was 13!)
76. Rescue two cats from an animal shelter
77. Visit Alice Springs or Darwin
78. Weigh under 120kg
79. Weigh under 110kg
80. Weigh under 100kg
81. Weigh under 90kg
82. Weigh under 80kg
83. To come
84. To come
85. To come
86. To come
87. To come
88. To come
89. To come
90. To come
91. To come
92. To come
93. To come
94. To come
95. To come
96. To come
97. To come
98. To come
99. To come
100. To come
101. To come

So, I'd love to know: what's the number one thing you have been putting of because of your weight?

The lapband and life

Is there anything more horrible than being so overweight you can't even go for a simple walk without feeling it in your feet for the rest of the day (and most of the following week)?

Well, that's me right now. I went on a lovely early morning walk around the Tan with Ash this morning, and really enjoyed being out in the fresh air and feeling the muscles in my legs working. But now, 10 hours later, my feet are really, REALLY sore - and I can't help but remember that this didn't happen so much last year when I was 15kg lighter. :(

It's kind of tragic that I can bemoan my lack of fitness, feel absolutely horrible about my body and notice all sorts of signs of the many kilos I have stacked on this year, and yet none of it is motivation enough to cause me to actually think before I shove food in my gob. My whole life, I've been stuck in a horrible vicious cycle: I feel bad about myself or anxious/upset about something, so I eat, which makes me feel even worse, so I eat some more. I always think that if only I would remember BEFORE putting food into my mouth that I actually feel better about things when I DON'T eat, I would be a much healthier person... but it's just so darn hard to retrain my brain to break out of that almost trance-like state just before a binge.

One of the reasons I decided to go ahead with the lapband is so I'll have a way of short-circuiting this cycle. Sure, I'll still be able to eat junk food, but to be honest it's not really junk that's the problem with me. I'm not really a fan of fast food, and I've never done anything crazy like fill my supermarket trolley with lollies and chocolate to gorge on (mostly because my pride wouldn't let me!). My binges are all about quantity; they wouldn't be the same if I couldn't eat a LOT of food (and quickly). So I'm hoping that, once the option of eating crazy amounts of food to comfort myself is taken away from me, it will force me to deal with the underlying issues and make myself feel happy without resorting to food.

That said, I am really quite worried about how I will react once my main source of comfort is taken away from me. Ash very wisely suggested this morning that I keep seeing my psychologist even after the lapband is in - something I had definitely planned to do. I can't imagine what it will be like to have the option of comfort eating taken away from me; it's how I've dealt with my problems my whole life, and my compulsions are so strong that I have never had much success in dealing with my issues any other way - even during the most committed and successful of my 'lifestyle changes'. I guess I just have to be prepared to feel a bit miserable for awhile, until I learn how to make myself feel better after a rotten day WITHOUT resorting to food. I've been talking to Tully quite a lot about this, as I think it's going to be the biggest challenge and the hardest thing to deal with on an emotional level, but I'd love to hear from any other lapbanders who have advice to share about the emotional stuff.

The patient info night on Wednesday was just amazing. Mr M came with me (he is my voice of reason, and I wanted to have someone to discuss the pros and cons with afterwards) and it was one of the most emotional nights I have experienced in quite a long time. I must admit to being a bit of a crybaby (I even teared up a little during the football grand final yesterday - and I don't barrack for Geelong OR St K), and I am especially emotional whenever anything to do with weight is being discussed. I got a bit teary when the surgeon was discussing obesity and all of the health and quality of life issues that go along with it. It just hit me at that moment just how much my weight affects my day-to-day life: my social life, my work, my personal hygiene, and even just small things like struggling to get out of the car and feeling tired and lethargic all the time. And then the two guest speakers (successful bandsters) stood up the front and started telling their stories, and I just lost it. I had tears streaming down my face, which must have been quite obvious to the speakers since I was in the second row, but I just couldn't stop. One of the speakers was a 50-year-old woman who looked incredible - she was wearing a gorgeous suit (I long to be able to fit into professional work clothes without looking like an elephant) and looked about 10 years younger than she was, and like she'd never had any food issues in her life. The other speaker was an older Greek man whose eyes welled up with tears as he told his story. He'd lost about 70kg and drove all the way from Shepparton (about three hours' drive) to be there - because, as he said, 'If I can just help one person, it will be worth it'.

So, between the information session and all of the research I have done, my decision has been made. Even Mr M is positive about it - and he dislikes anything that costs a lot of money! lol. He has seen me struggle with my weight for the last seven years - he's witnessed my unhealthy relationship with food firsthand, and I know how much my weight (and my resulting low self-confidence) has affected him, too. I have read countless stories about the band not working, about people being banded and not coping, about people 'cheating' the band by eating junk food. I have had open and honest conversations with other bandsters about how hard it is, particularly in the first few weeks. I'm sure the experience itself will surprise me, but I think I'm about as prepared as I can be.

I'm definitely not viewing this through rose-coloured glasses, but I still think it is the right decision. 

Thank you :)

Thank you all so much for your support after my announcement on Monday. To say I have been completely blown away is an understatement. I still can’t quite get my head around the fact that so many people (some of them total or near strangers) have been so willing to take the time to offer their support to lil’ old me. I only hope I can return the favour by offering support to all of you! (Especially anyone reading who might be considering lapband surgery but is holding back due to fear or pride – as I was six months ago. I promise to blog all the good bits and bad bits here – no glossing over the ugly stuff, of which I’m sure there will be plenty!)

Tonight, I am off to a patient information session at the hospital I’m being operated at: The Avenue. I am so excited I have butterflies in my tummy – I just can’t believe I’m about to take such a big step towards living the life I have always dreamed of! I have already sorted my health insurance and booked in to see my surgeon on 23 October, and I’m hoping to be banded just after Christmas (I wish it was earlier, but I can’t take two weeks off work anytime sooner than that due to the crazy number of deadlines at this time of year). So, if all goes to plan I will most likely sup on an Optifast shake at Christmas dinner (most people are asked to do Optifast for two weeks before surgery) and will spend the holiday season drooling over mince pies and plum pudding. But, as several wise people have told me, just imagine how great it will feel starting the new year just days into a whole new lifestyle. It will definitely be the first time I have gone back to work in January having lost a few kilos rather than gaining them!

Until then, I am going to try to develop a few healthy habits that will help me out once I have my band: eating a (mostly) healthy and well-balanced diet, drinking water and exercising regularly. I have spent the last few months in a state of complete rebellion and have been eating everything I could get my hands on, so I’m going to ease into it slowly. I think some of the rebellion came from a feeling of ‘Well, I’m not going to get banded until the end of the year and I’m powerless against my body so I may as well give up until then’. But, having realised how quickly my body gains weight (think 5kg in two weeks!) and how frustrating it will be to have to RE-lose that weight once I’m banded, I am trying to convince my brain that a bit of restraint would be a good thing.

Mostly, I just want to be kind to myself and do all I can to rebuild my self-esteem a little after the last six difficult months. That means doing small amounts of exercise, setting myself achievable goals and eating healthy food in reasonable portions because that makes me feel good about myself. We’ll see how it goes. (Any bandsters out there who have struggled in the months pre-banding with this type of thing, I’d love to hear from you!)

Thanks again for your support, lovely people. I’ll be back tomorrow with a full report from the patient info night!

xxx

A weighty decision

Hello everyone, and thank you for visiting my new home on the web! Some of you might remember me from my old blog, where I have babbled about life and weight loss since mid 2008. I decided to start up a pretty, new online space to document what I hope will be an exciting new adventure for me. 

* * *

I recently made what I think will be one of the most significant and important decisions of my life: I decided to have lapband surgery.

This announcement might come as a bit of a shock to some of you, but I have been thinking about weight loss surgery (mostly in secret) for a long time now. My beautiful and very brave friend Tully was the one who inspired me to swallow my pride and seriously consider the lapband operation.

For those not in the know, lapband surgery is a fully reversible and adjustable keyhole surgery, designed to restrict the size of the stomach meaning less food can be consumed. I found what I think is the best description of how the band works for weight loss on the website of a private hospital here in Melbourne (not the hospital where I am having my surgery, but they have some good info on their website for those interested):

The band works (when properly adjusted) to cause weight loss in three ways:

1. Eating is slowed very greatly. In the time everyone else has finished a three course meal, you might just be finishing a small first course. Unless you can sit and do nothing but eat all day, you should lose weight.
2. You have been very good with your diet then comes that weekend party, a delicious smorgasbord, a couple of drinks and wham! You just undid three weeks of dieting with one big binge. Well not with a band you won’t! You just can’t binge - food won’t go down fast enough!
3. This is a bit more subtle, but it is the way the band works in the long run. The longer you have the band and cannot use a big, calorie laden meal for reward, comfort, disappointment, happiness etc, the more your attention will divert away from food and the less effort there will be in losing and then maintaining a healthy weight.

It was point number three that really made my decision for me.

Those of you who followed my old blog (and the many blogs I wrote before that) will know that I've been trying and failing at this weight-loss thing for most of my life. I've tried Weight Watchers (lost count of the number of times I've signed up), Lite 'n' Easy, calorie counting, nutritionist and naturopath programs, gym (cardio and weights), low GI diets, low carb diets, Fernwood Slimplicity, Intuitive Eating and goodness knows what else in an attempt to lose weight. I have put my heart and soul into all of these programs, done some serious emotional work (with the help of two psychologists, my lovely friends in blogland and dozens of self-help books) and yet still I find myself eating like a maniac and absolutely loathing myself the whole time I'm doing it.

My problem is that I have very deep-seated issues and insecurities in relation to food and my body that thwart me at every turn. I have been seeing a psychologist who specialises in eating and weight issues for the past five months, and she has helped (and, I think, will continue to do so), but it's just not enough. I have tried and tried and tried to beat my brain at its own game and work on changing my habits and dealing with my emotions in a healthy way, but my brain is so used to getting what it wants that it manages to beat me down every time. And every time I try and fail at another weight loss mission my already battered self-esteem disintegrates just that little bit more.

As much as I hate to admit it, I need some serious help controlling my body so that I can have a fighting chance of retraining my brain to think healthily and deal with negative emotions in an appropriate way, rather than stuffing them down with food. And after a lot of research I think lapband surgery might be the answer.

I'm really quite terrified of admitting to the world that I have failed at every 'diet' and every 'lifestyle change/new way of thinking' known to man, and that I need the help of fairly drastic surgery to get out of this miserable pit. It took many months for me to admit it to myself. I guess I saw weight loss surgery as the ultimate admission that I was giving up on myself, and it has been a really difficult struggle trying to work through that mindset. So many others have succeeded in losing weight permanently without surgery, so for a long time I just labelled myself a failure for not being able to do so myself. I still do give myself that label, but it's something I hope I'll be able to work through as my weight starts to drop off.

I'm sure I'll be met with a lot of resistance from various people in my life (including on this blog) when they find out about my surgery, and I'm quite scared about how people will react to it. I've nearly been brought to tears on several occaisions when I've told close friends and been met with love and support rather than opposition. So many people don't really understand lapbanding and think of it as the easy way out, but everything I have read and heard so far about the procedure proves otherwise. It's not going to be easy; I'm still going to have to motivate myself to exercise and avoid eating sugary, fatty food (even more so, because I'll be eating much less so will have to make sure what I do eat gives my body the nutrients it needs). But for me, a 'quantity eater' rather than a 'junk eater' (that is, I'd be more likely to eat two big bowls of healthy cereal after dinner than go out and get a bar of chocolate), it seems like it will be a good tool to have. I think it will give me the strength I need to keep working on the emotional stuff; to figure out WHY I am compelled to try to solve every problem I have with food, and find a healthier way to work through things.

I'm still cringing at the thought of pressing 'publish', but I'm just so excited to finally be getting the help I need to succeed and I can't wait to share it with all of you. You've stuck by me through thick and not so thick and I hope at least some of you will continue to now, even if you don't agree with my decision. All that really matters to me is that for the first time in a very long time, I believe that I might finally be able to deal with my issues and become the healthy person I have longed to be all my life. And that thought makes my eyes fill with happy tears. :)

'Till next time

xx Miss Milo